Good Friday, 2008,…

…was March 21st.  I know this because I spent much of the day in a small town Wisconsin hospital with my mother waiting to have surgery.  A surgery to officially end my third child’s existence as part of me.  It wasn’t the best day, obviously.  Our baby was 20 weeks gestation, but an ultrasound (& subsequent post-mortem) showed our baby to have stopped growing sometime around 16weeks, maybe 17.  I had been to my OB-GYN between 16 & 20 weeks at some point (math is fuzzy now) & our baby was alive with a heartbeat at that time.  But then, on Good Friday Eve-Maunday Thursday-I started bleeding & never stopped.  I refused to look at the ultrasound screen the next day, on Good Friday.  I knew what it showed before I even laid back on the table.  I stared at the wall in that dark room & bit my tongue, trying with everything I had not to cry.  The ultrasound tech never said a word, but held my hand.  My mother sat in the waiting room during the scan.  Brian was still down in Iowa at school.  I was visiting my parents for Easter along with my children, Coralee who was in kindergarten & Merritt who was going to turn 3 soon.  Such a strange day.  It was sunny when I entered the clinic that morning & by the time my surgery was over & I was discharged, my mother & I walked out into an evening of gently falling snow. And it was beautiful.  And I can still see it perfectly all these years later.  Beautiful white flakes filling the air.  Like the world wasn’t crashing down on me.  Like I was supposed to stop & recognize there was still beauty out there.


I bought the baby alpaca green yarn that makes up the vest Harmon is wearing in the above photo when I was pregnant with my 2008 Good Friday baby-who, incidentally, had a due date of MY birthday, August 8th.  I thought the due date was a sign this baby was meant to be!  Harmon has worn this little vest I knit with yarn for his special sibling many times.  I snapped these photos of him just before Christmas last year.


I remember buying this yarn.  I was so happy. I loved the color.  I loved how soft it was; Blue Sky Alpacas is dreamy for sure.  I often thought about throwing the yarn out after that Good Friday.  I think I may have thrown some of it away, but I kept a couple skeins wound & unknit for a long time.  When I was pregnant with June I knit some of it up into this vest.  I don’t think June wore the vest but once, if that…this is Harmon’s vest.  I like to think it’s keeping our baby’s memory present. At least with me.

So three years after that horrid Good Friday I gave birth to a living baby, our June Belle.  Yes, on the same day!  March 21st surprised me again.  That’s got to mean something…


And now our second March 21st baby is 6! And such a wonderful little girl.  She does her birthday proud.  

Good Friday will forever be something of a conundrum to me.  Holy Week is tricky, too.  It’s both the worst of life & the best.  Which is scary true on so many levels I get chills thinking about it.  I feel like I have a special connection to Mary, Jesus’s mother.  I really do.  I also lost a child on Good Friday.  But then I was gifted another three years later on the same date.  So, I want to say, Good morning on this goodest of Fridays.  It is a Good day.  And thank you for indulging my thoughts here on this little blog.  May your Friday be Good as well.

P.S. Thank you, Mom. xxo

Stamped with Love, Our Harmon~

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I noticed Harmon’s strawberry hemangioma (extra blood vessels–temporary birthmark) the day we brought him home from the birth center.  I wasn’t sure what it was–a birthmark? an injury from delivery? did I do this?!!  It’s definitely grown since that day & now resembles a heart!  Our Harmon, marked/stamped/embossed/imprinted/howeveryouwanttosayit with LoVe.

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I woke up like this, no stylist necessary. Smooch!

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Wishing you all a Happy Valentine’s Day!

Fourth Little Iowan!

He’s here!  Hooray!  I apologize for being over a month late with the announcement (& for basically being MIA on the blog for months).  

Harmon Hunter Bodeker became our fourth little Iowan on December 1, 2015 just before 10AM.  He weighed 6lbs 9oz and was just under 20in long.  Our little peanut!  He’s still quite small–we think just under or over 8 lbs today using Brian’s work scale.  We named him after my father’s father, Harmon McAllister, who passed away when my father was still in his teens. ~ ~ ~

Harmon (our Harmon) is a very serious little guy–his one month photos are proof of that!  Still no purposeful smiles yet, but he started cooing when I talk to him this past week.  He also began tracking where I move (& where my voice moves) this week.  He’s been experiencing a lot of tummy upset since he was born…lots of gas…lots of cat naps abruptly ended by gas pains.  We started him in cloth diapers with wool covers between 2 and 3 weeks.  He’s just so small even our newborn diapers weren’t working for a couple weeks.  We go through a lot of diapers around here…Harmon poos A LOT…epic amounts.  All night long, too.  We cosleep, but we’re still not getting much sleep yet.

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01/01/2016

IMG_1365IMG_1366IMG_1368Harmon broke out in baby acne around Week 3 & it has only gotten worse.  Covers his scalp, all over his face & neck, and down his chest.  Today it all seemed to turn to a scaly crust & looks painful.  I know it isn’t, but it just looks so awful.

IMG_1216Brown hair!  And it’s still brown!  June was born with very dark hair, almost black, but it turned blonde rather quickly.  Coralee & Merritt were bald & white-blonde (respectively).IMG_1083IMG_1081IMG_0941IMG_0943 (2)IMG_0942

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Rebourne (etsy) harem longies.

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Tummy soothing on the dryer.

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Newborn Vertebrae knit in Quince & Co Chickadee; Yooki wool leggings.

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~ Birth Announcement ~

IMG_0880The day Harmon became our fourth little Iowan.  So glad he is here safely!

xxo

Four (4) Little Iowans on the Prairie…

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1, 2, 3, 4?!

Yup, big changes coming to Being Bodeker.  Our three little Iowans will soon be four!  I am 17 weeks along in this pregnancy & it has been an incredible journey of the soul thus far.  Let’s just say this baby is a whale of a surprise.  Both Brian & I have struggled to wrap our heads around the changes that will be coming to our family.  For the first couple months we actually both just ignored it, barely said two words about it…I guess we were in shock?  We truly thought we were done & definitely will be after this one arrives in early December.  I hate to say a baby (any baby) is a mistake.  I gave birth to Coralee when I was 20 years old & I know a lot of people thought she was a mistake, but if that’s the case, she’s been the most beautiful, magnificent mistake I’ve ever made.  I can’t imagine life without her.  She’s so stinking cool!  Merritt was absolutely planned–we wanted a sibling for Coralee.  And they are without a doubt two peas in a pod–each the other’s best friend.  We suffered two unexplained losses in-between Merritt & June–one at 20 weeks that forever changed my thoughts on pregnancy & another shortly after at 13 weeks.  I suppose that’s why I’m sharing this big news in a blog post (our kids & my knitting friends are basically the only people who know)…I’ve been waiting to say anything because I’ve been so fearful.  Fearful that I’ll suffer another loss–I have sadly been expecting to wake up everyday to a miscarriage.  But also fearful of what people will say and think when they find out…we realize we’re not spring chickens & should know how this all works…so because pretty much all of my pregnancies (all 5 up to this point) have been met in the real world with not the greatest enthusiasm from a lot of people around me, I can only imagine how this one will go down.  I felt a blog post was the way to go this time.  We’re having a baby (sings Desi Arnaz in my head 24/7 lately).  We’re scared.  We’re not prepared.  (We have a tiny car!!!  I was supposed to go back to work/school in a year!  I have ZILCH maternity clothes left & almost no baby items!  How exactly are we going to afford this?)  This is the most apprehensive I’ve been about a pregnancy yet.  Maybe because I understand how truly fleeting life is now?  Something I didn’t quite get at 20 or 23 or maybe even 29 when I had June?  I’m just worried.  I’ve got three kids that need me & I know the paths a pregnancy can sometimes take…I’m trying to be positive & hope that some greater force has a hand in this & it will all be ok.  We hope so.

Thank you for reading my ramble.  I hope everyone enjoyed their Father’s Day!  I’ll post again this week about our trout fishing trip on Sunday to Coldwater Creek (from where the photo above originates).  If you’ve never watched the ‘I Love Lucy’ episode in which Lucy tells Ricky she’s having a baby, click below.  A classic clip.  I keep watching it over & over…trying to make myself believe everything will be ok.