Yup, big changes coming to Being Bodeker. Our three little Iowans will soon be four! I am 17 weeks along in this pregnancy & it has been an incredible journey of the soul thus far. Let’s just say this baby is a whale of a surprise. Both Brian & I have struggled to wrap our heads around the changes that will be coming to our family. For the first couple months we actually both just ignored it, barely said two words about it…I guess we were in shock? We truly thought we were done & definitely will be after this one arrives in early December. I hate to say a baby (any baby) is a mistake. I gave birth to Coralee when I was 20 years old & I know a lot of people thought she was a mistake, but if that’s the case, she’s been the most beautiful, magnificent mistake I’ve ever made. I can’t imagine life without her. She’s so stinking cool! Merritt was absolutely planned–we wanted a sibling for Coralee. And they are without a doubt two peas in a pod–each the other’s best friend. We suffered two unexplained losses in-between Merritt & June–one at 20 weeks that forever changed my thoughts on pregnancy & another shortly after at 13 weeks. I suppose that’s why I’m sharing this big news in a blog post (our kids & my knitting friends are basically the only people who know)…I’ve been waiting to say anything because I’ve been so fearful. Fearful that I’ll suffer another loss–I have sadly been expecting to wake up everyday to a miscarriage. But also fearful of what people will say and think when they find out…we realize we’re not spring chickens & should know how this all works…so because pretty much all of my pregnancies (all 5 up to this point) have been met in the real world with not the greatest enthusiasm from a lot of people around me, I can only imagine how this one will go down. I felt a blog post was the way to go this time. We’re having a baby (sings Desi Arnaz in my head 24/7 lately). We’re scared. We’re not prepared. (We have a tiny car!!! I was supposed to go back to work/school in a year! I have ZILCH maternity clothes left & almost no baby items! How exactly are we going to afford this?) This is the most apprehensive I’ve been about a pregnancy yet. Maybe because I understand how truly fleeting life is now? Something I didn’t quite get at 20 or 23 or maybe even 29 when I had June? I’m just worried. I’ve got three kids that need me & I know the paths a pregnancy can sometimes take…I’m trying to be positive & hope that some greater force has a hand in this & it will all be ok. We hope so.
Thank you for reading my ramble. I hope everyone enjoyed their Father’s Day! I’ll post again this week about our trout fishing trip on Sunday to Coldwater Creek (from where the photo above originates). If you’ve never watched the ‘I Love Lucy’ episode in which Lucy tells Ricky she’s having a baby, click below. A classic clip. I keep watching it over & over…trying to make myself believe everything will be ok.